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Joke of The Day!

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For all the Canadians ...


The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:


50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Canadians plant gardens.


35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

Italian cars won't start.

Canadians drive with the windows down and still wear shorts and T-shirts.


32° Fahrenheit (0° C)

American water freezes.

Canadians have the last cookout of the season.


0° Fahrenheit (-17.9 ° C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadian Girl Guides still sell cookies door-to-door.


-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Canadians pull down their earflaps.


-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)

Carbon dioxide freezes, makes dry ice.

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes.

Canadians get a day off from work to go tobogganing.


-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.

Canadians start saying "Cold, eh?"


-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

Hell freezes over.

The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.



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The Prerequisite Golf Joke


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.


The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good, or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"


The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.


The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.


The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"


The old golfer replies, "No problem; just get that lion out of there."



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Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

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A stockbroker says to his colleague, "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."

"You're right," he replied. "My whole life all I've done is lose money".

Next day he comes to work and resigns.

His coworker asks, "What are you going to do for living?"

"I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."


"I am going to build a web page and take it public."

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This is a true story

We all know how frugal the Scots are.

Well a Candian of Scotish descent, named Mcdougal, was travelling down to New York , from Halifax,when he was attacked by three robbers.

He fought furiously ,but was eventually overwelmed.The robbers searched him to find only a crooked sixpence.

One robber remarked "If he'd had a shilling he would have killed us all."

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This is a true story

We all know how frugal the Scots are.

Well a Candian of Scotish descent, named Mcdougal, was travelling down to New York , from Halifax,when he was attacked by three robbers.

He fought furiously ,but was eventually overwelmed.The robbers searched him to find only a crooked sixpence.

One robber remarked "If he'd had a shilling he would have killed us all."



hmmmmmmmmm..............................I wonder................................nah it couldn't be!!

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One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."


Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."


Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."


By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."


Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a penny, but I like your thinking!"

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This is not a joke. Its a true story.But I dont know where to post it....

The Ig Nobel Prizes are awarded each year and are a parady of the real Noble Prize

They are awarded at Harvard University.

This year the Biology prize was based on the study of beetles, who became so enamoured with beer bottles, they died trying to mate with them.

The beetles were of course, Australian.


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The Irish Funeral


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:


"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"


"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"


The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."


A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."



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it may have been shown before, but these series are a good laugh


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85lpWoESHUM&feature=related]Tell me why you want to become a trader - YouTube[/ame]


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lx4poQw1mZo&feature=youtube_gdata_player]I want to work at Goldman Sachs - YouTube[/ame]


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW-67dLgazg&feature=related]I Want To Be An Investment Banker - xtranormal - YouTube[/ame]

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Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.

Blue-Line Composite Index

It was the biggest single-day gain for a blue line since 1994.

"Even if you extend the blue line's big white box back many vertical lines, you won't find a comparably large jump," said Milton Vogel, a senior analyst with Merrill Lynch. "That line just kept going up, up, up."

The blue line, which had been sluggish ever since the red line started pointing down in April, began its rebound with an impressively pointy 7 percent rise Friday. By noon Monday, it had crossed the second horizontal line from the top for the first time since December.

Ecstatic investors are comparing the blue line to the left side of a very tall, steep blue mountain.

"It's a really steep line," said Larry Danziger, a San Jose, CA, day trader and golf enthusiast. "I stand to make a tremendous amount of money as a result of the steepness of this line."

Wall Street traders react to the blue line's 41-point leap.

"It looks like the line's about to shoot out of the box," said Boston-area investor Michael Lupert, enjoying a glass of white zinfandel on the bow of his 30-foot yacht. "I'm definitely going to keep a close eye on this line as it continues to move to the right."

Despite such bullishness, some financial observers are urging caution.

"Given this line's long history of jaggedness, we really should take a wait-and-see approach," Fortune magazine associate editor Charles Reames said. "And even if this important line continues its upward pointiness, we must remember that there are other shapes, colors, numbers, and lines to consider when judging the health of the economy."

A group of white men makes cell-phone calls to discuss the blue line.

Reames also warned that the upward angle of the line, which most analysts agreed was approximately 80 degrees, may have been exaggerated by the way the graph was drawn.

"The stuff that's written along the bottom of the graph is all squished together, making the line look a lot more impressive than it is," Reames said. "Had that same stuff been spread out more, the line would have looked a lot less steep."

Still, most U.S. investors found it hard to contain their enthusiasm as the blue line shot up sharply, outperforming the green line, the yellow line, and even the thriving dotted purple line.

"Typically, the blue line rises or falls no more than 10 in a day," said Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Jeffrey Gruber. "But Monday, it went up an astonishing 41–and during a time when we have a big red slice showing on our pie charts, no less. We live in a truly remarkable time."

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Random selections from cleaning up emails.....



The stock market is like a strapless bra...

half the people are wondering whats holding it up.....???

whereas the other half are waiting for it to drop so that they can grab an opportunity.




Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse’ s funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.

Can all those mourners outside Amy Winehouse’s home please form a line? It’s what she would’ve wanted.

What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit? Her last one!

McDonalds have released the Amy Winehouse McValue Meal. Just Coke and Ice.

Congrats to Amy Winehouse! She has been sober for 24hrs.

Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Jimmi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin all died at 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021. Just be patient.

Amy Winehouse seriously should’ve known where to draw the line, I guess on the coffee table wasn’t such a good idea.

She probably should’ve went to rehab but she said noo noo no.




> 1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your

> nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


> 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the

> least accessible corner.


> 3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional

> to the stupidity of your act


> 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy

> signal and someone always answers.


> 5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you

> had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.


> 6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in

> will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


> 7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone

> rings.


> 8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know

> increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


> 9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't

> work, it will.


> 10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to

> the reach.


> 11.. Law of the Theater and Sporting Arena - At any event, the people whose

> seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who

> will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who

> leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in

> the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big

> bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.

> The aisle people also are very surly folk


> 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss

> will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


> 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room,

> they will have adjacent lockers.


> 14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing

> face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the

> carpet or rug.


> 15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you

> are talking about.


> 16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


> 18 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product

> that you really like, they will stop making it.


> 19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the

> doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an

> appointment, and you'll stay sick.






It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly,

the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.




A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.


" Not yet, " said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,


" You gonna tell him or should I ? "




The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Rugby team, 2011.'



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Europe's problems summed up:

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words

Lord's prayer: 66 words

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words

Ten Commandments: 179 words

Gettysburg address: 286 words

US Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818 words

EU regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words


All you brokers out there could learn a lesson from this guys real brokerage report..................




Report - Index Futures Daily Review Aug 26th 2011 -- RQFII added confidence to market and financial sector led the rally


After today's rally, the atmosphere of cautious investors on market would limit the rebound to amplify. Besides, the current market still have possibility of bearish trend, and the uptrend of July pork price performed again thus the adamant of its price is not a tendency drop which would ignite investors' concern of inflation. What's more, market is expected to have concerns about QE3, so the continued rise in short-term is not likely to occur, but affected today's rally, tomorrow market may be open high.


The spot-futures basis has maintained negative today, which arbitragers continue to wait for chance.




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Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic


Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous


Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada



Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders


Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson



Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely, Google


Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP


Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely, Joseph


Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985


Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton


Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack


Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle


Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare


Dear Soccer Fans,


Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

Sincerely, Vuvuzelas


Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God


Dear Rubik's Cube,


Sincerely, Colorblind


Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods



Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio


Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mulan


Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely, Juliet


Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed


Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary


Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast


Dear Edward,

I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

Sincerely, a stake


Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty



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Some oldies but goodies!




A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.






A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.






A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.





A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...





Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?


A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Nominated as the world's best short joke


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

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Supposed actual quote from protesters occupying the street of Toronto's stock exchange…


"It's weird protesting on Bay Street. You get there at 9 a.m. and the rich bankers who you want to hurl insults at and change their world view have been at work for two hours already. And then when it's time to go, they're still there! I guess that's why they call them the one per cent. I mean, who wants to work those kinds of hours? That's the power of greed." - Jeremy, 38


and News from London....



Police say they are struggling to control "vast hordes" of bankers who have now filled the offices and streets of the City.


"We got a tip-off from someone," said a Met spokesman. "They told us these bankers have been coming here in increasing numbers ever since the early 1600s."


Police say the bankers are easily visible with their trademark "suits" and "shoes" and believe they could be occupying the City as part of an 'Occupy The City' event.


"They started arriving early this morning," said an onlooker. "They poured out of all the local tube stations and you could tell by the looks on their faces that they were intent on going to work."


The sudden influx of bankers, which began on Monday morning and is expected to last until Friday afternoon, has devastated the plans of a small group of unemployed students who had planned a camping trip outside St Paul's.


"We were hoping to spend a few days camping out in the streets and irritating people," said a tw@t in a mask, "but all these people going to work and doing their jobs means we'll probably have to go back to Biffo's dad's house and skin up."


The occupation by bankers is believed to be part of a "corporate need" movement in which people put on smart clothes and go to "work" in order to earn "money".


"These people are just capitalists and it sickens me the way they spend all day in offices making a living rather than sitting outside on a wet mat wearing silly masks," said a local hypocrite.

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Here is nice one:


"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'


Larry Miller

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The recent death of Joe Frazier reminded me of this story


The boxer finished the 3rd round, totally battered, cut eye, bleeding nose,bent ear,bruised ribs.

(Ask me . I've been there.)

His trainer asked if he was OK.?

Could he continue?

The boxer replied that the other guy had not laid a glove on him.

The other guy was a real poluka.

The trainer loooked at him and said..........

"You better watch the ref, because someone is kicking the hell out of you"


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