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Joke of The Day!

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I don't know about you, but I like a good joke. Let's face it, we're all wound up in the markets, sometimes a joke takes the edge off... or at least brings a smile to your face.

I'll start the ball rolling.



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who the best patients to operate on are.


The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.


The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.


The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.


The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.


But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.


"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”


The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."


The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”


The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”


Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

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In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.

All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.

So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.

The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing, then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.

The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer (not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.

When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173. Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed... Finally the computer said....

"So, how's the trading going?"

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Young John had just completed high school in the bush, and was off to the city to college. He had a faithful cattle dog, 'Bluey', and insisted on taking the dog with him.


Of course, the attractions of city life were quite new to John, and during his out-of-college time, he spent-up rather big on enjoying it all.


Eventually, the money ran a bit low, and John was a bit short. He decided to ring his father for a little advance.


"Hello ... Dad? You will not believe what is happening here - Bluey is learning to play the piano."


"Go on, son. You're kidding me!"


"No, Dad, honestly - you should hear him. But the dog teacher had to be paid, and I am a bit short"


"No worries, John. The cheque's in the mail."


Well time went by, and John again got a bit short of money, and he decided to ring dad again for some money.


"Hi Dad. Bluey is so advanced that he is now playing the piano and dancing at the same time. He is a big hit down here. But the extra lessons are not cheap."


"Don't worry son, the cheque's in the mail. It's a good thing you got going there with Bluey."


John was happy until the day came for him to go home. He knew he had to face the family with a dog that could neither dance nor play the piano.


The day he got off the train, Dad was waiting there to meet him.


"Where's Bluey?" said Dad, "I was hoping to watch a performance."


"Well Dad, Bluey became so advanced, that he began to talk. We used to have long conversations about the things we've seen and done. One night he told me about you and that little red-haired sheila down at the pub, and he told me what you and her ..."


"Crikey, John," interrupted Dad, "I hope you shot him!"


"Yes, Dad, I did. I sure did. "

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A lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."


The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."


The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Dakota Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What's that?"


The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."


The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.


"Now, since this is MY property, I reserve the right to take the first 3 kicks," to which the lawyer readily agreed.


His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."


I love this part .....

















The old farmer smiled and said:


"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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Jack's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.

"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"

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Reminded of the very elderly lady whose husband had just passed away.


The officiating minister at the funeral was a bit stuck for words to

comfort the old lady after the ceremony, but finally managed to come out with:


"Your husband lived to be a very ripe old age ... 98 wasn't he? And

how old are you?"


"97," she replied, "Hardly seems worth going home, does it?"

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Easily the best joke of the decade


A young man moved into a new apartment of his

own and went to the lobby to put his name on his



While there, an attractive young lady came out

of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a



The boy smiled at the young woman and she

started a conversation with him.


As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it

was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor

kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on

his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear

someone coming."


He followed her into her apartment; she closed

the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to

fall off completely.


Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you

say is my best feature?"


Flustered and embarrassed, he finally

squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."


Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My

ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100%

natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm

and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my

body is my ears?"


Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....

that was me."


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Glass onion...the other day i passed an office here in sydney that had that exact same Cartoon painted on the wall of their office in a big mural.....Clarity Capital.....an apt cartoon for the the name

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Two S&P Pit traders are organizing themselves before the open of trading and one asks the other, " what did you end up doing yesterday?" The other replies, "I got a dog for my wife." The first trader says" Good Trade!"

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An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.


The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, "How long does it take to catch them?" The Greek replied: "Only a little while."


The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"


The Greek fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends, I have a full and busy life."


The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.


Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.


You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."


The Greek fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-25 years."


"But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."


"Millions ... Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends."

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Two lawyers are walking through the woods and they hear the roar of a lion. Lawyer #1 starts running and stops when he sees that #2 is sitting on the ground. Frantic, #1 says to #2, "What are you doing?" #1 calmly replies" I am putting my running shoes on." #1 then says," what are you crazy? you can't outrun a lion!" While tying his last shoelace, #2 looks at #1 and says" I don't have to outrun the lion. All I have to do is outrun you."

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Honorable MEN



Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)


If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a

man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!


"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a

river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord

appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"



The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he

needed the axe to make his living.


The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.


The woodcutter replied, "No."


The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your

axe?" the Lord asked.


Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."


The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your

axe?" the Lord asked.


The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three

axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.


Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the

riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the

Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"


"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"


The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is

this your wife?" the Lord asked.


"Yes," cried the woodcutter.


The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"


The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a

misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You

would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you

would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have

given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take


of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."


The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.


That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE


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A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"


His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."


The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"


"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."


He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"


She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"


The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.


The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."


Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."


Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down close to the interviewer and says "What would you like it to equal?"

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How To Really Impress a Client.


I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a few years ago

when I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a

drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to

Seattle, but he was running a little bit late. Well, being a

straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,

introduced myself, and said, “Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a



“I’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, and I’m

waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when he

arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Ray,’?”


I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and

started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on

my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

“Hi, Ray,” he said.

I replied, “F*** off, Gates, I’m in a meeting.”

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    • Date : 29th November 2021. Market Update – November 29 – Omicron dominates sentiment. USD (USDIndex 96.30) recovers from Fridays slump (95.98), Stocks lost over –2.2% in thin half-day trading, Oil FUTS lost –13%, Gold slumped and Yields tanked (10-yr 1.482%) on a safe haven (JPY & CHF bid) risk off day. (and a strange carry trade bid for EUR). Weekend news, as Countries block flights and tighten restricts, but first Omicron cases in SA appear mild and hospitalizations have not spiked, has seen a bounce in sentiment and Asian markets. Pfizer suggested it would take 100 days to adapt new vaccine, if required. US Yields 10yr trades up 5.1 bp at 1.52%, after Friday’s slump. Equities – tanked in thin and short day on Friday USA500 -106.84 (-2.27%) at 45941 – USA500.F trades higher at 4639. USOil – collapsed to $67.08 – now up nearly $4 at $71.00. OPEC+ have delayed this weeks meeting by 2 days & likely to delay planned January production increases. Gold spiked under $1780, has bounced to $1795 but struggles to recoup $1800   FX markets – EURUSD now 1.1270, after a +125pip rally on Friday, USDJPY now 113.36, from 115.50 to 113.00 on Friday & Cable back to 1.3325. Overnight – JPY Retail Sales recover but miss expectations (0.9% vs 1.2% & -0.5% last time). European Open – The December 10-year Bund future is down -27 ticks, US futures are also in the red & the US 10-year rate is up 5.1 bp at 1.52%. Stock markets remained under pressure during the Asian part of the session, but DAX and FTSE 100 futures are up 1.2% and 1.3% respectively and a 1.2% rise in the NASDAQ is leading US futures higher. A part reversal of Friday’s flows then as virus developments remain in focus. Travel restrictions are making a come back and the services sector in particular is facing fresh pain, but as Lagarde suggested over the weekend, the impact of Omicron is unlikely to throw economies back to the situation at the start of the pandemic, meaning the overall situation has not really changed. We continue to see the ECB on course to end PEPP purchases on time in March next year, although developments will add to the arguments of those who want to keep the flexibility on the distribution of asset purchases at least for future emergencies. The BoE meanwhile may be postponing the planned rate hike into next year. Today – German regional and national CPIs, Eurozone Consumer Confidence (final), US Pending Home Sales, ECB’s de Guindos, Schnabel, Lagarde, Fed’s Williams, Powell. Biggest FX Mover @ (07:30 GMT) CADCHF (1.00%) The risk-off collapse on Friday 0.7400-0.7200 has recovered to 0.7280. MAs aligned higher, MACD signal line & histogram rising but still below 0 line, RSI 53.80 & rising H1 ATR 0.0018, Daily ATR 0.0062. Always trade with strict risk management. Your capital is the single most important aspect of your trading business. Please note that times displayed based on local time zone and are from time of writing this report. Click HERE to access the full HotForex Economic calendar. Want to learn to trade and analyse the markets? Join our webinars and get analysis and trading ideas combined with better understanding on how markets work. Click HERE to register for FREE! Click HERE to READ more Market news. Stuart Cowell Head Market Analyst HotForex Disclaimer: This material is provided as a general marketing communication for information purposes only and does not constitute an independent investment research. Nothing in this communication contains, or should be considered as containing, an investment advice or an investment recommendation or a solicitation for the purpose of buying or selling of any financial instrument. All information provided is gathered from reputable sources and any information containing an indication of past performance is not a guarantee or reliable indicator of future performance. Users acknowledge that any investment in FX and CFDs products is characterized by a certain degree of uncertainty and that any investment of this nature involves a high level of risk for which the users are solely responsible and liable. We assume no liability for any loss arising from any investment made based on the information provided in this communication. This communication must not be reproduced or further distributed without our prior written permission.
    • Forex Trading is considered to be only profitable, if you have practice Forex Trading, till you have mastered the skills and knowledge to survive in the Forex Market.
    • Though there are many videos available online on Youtube, you cannot actually learn through them, if you don't practice in the Forex Real Market.
    • USDJPY PRICE OUTFLOW IS DRAWN BY SELLERS BACK TO 114.840   USDJPY Price Analysis – November 25 USDJPY price outflow is being held back as a consequence of bears causing opposition to the market influence. The price structure of the market strives to maintain an uptrend configuration under a bullish influence. However, the sellers are causing some resistance in the market, which is causing a hold in the market configuration. Because of this conflict in the market, the outflow of the bulls in the market will be held back to the 114.840 critical level. USDJPY Critical Levels Resistance Levels: 114.840, 112.790 Support Levels: 110.800, 109.100 USDJPY Long Term Trend: Bullish The bullish outflow price structure initially began with the expansive breadth of consolidation. The market was birthed after a strong price expansion before the bullish uprise. The price undulated between the breadth of the 110.800 and 109.100 significant price levels. As a result of this accumulation, the price was then pushed out to higher levels. With the continuation of the market expansion, buyers outflow upward, with the bulls taking hold of the market. Furthermore, price continues to experience more outflows as several structural levels were broken. When USDJPY eventually gets to the 112.790 level, the price resumes its accumulation phase. The market encountered a short phase of expansion before resuming bullish persistence. The price finally breaks through the 114.840 significant level and we expect a withdrawal back to this price level before bullish engagement. The Tensile Strength indicator shows the resilience of the market influence as the market is set to resume its bullish leverage after sellers retreat. USDJPY Short Term Trend: Bearish The 4-hour chart of USDJPY shows the price configuration riding upward following a strong force that broke through the 114.840 critical level. The price is now set in a retreat motion as the price is seen to be pulling away to the 114.840 price level. The Moving Average Convergence and Divergence indicator shows the market’s prevalent direction as the price is set on a pullback course to the 114.840 critical level before bullish outflow.   Source: https://learn2.trade
    • EURJPY DEPRECIATES TO LOWS NEAR 128.00 FOLLOWING COVID RESURGENCE   EURJPY Price Analysis – November 26 EURJPY pair fell for the third session in a row on Friday, depreciating to the area of recent lows in the 128.00 range. As the new strain of COVID weighs heavily on investors’ sentiment, strong buying interest in the Japanese yen puts EURJPY under added pressure in the sub-129.00 levels. Key Levels Resistance Levels: 130.50, 130.00, 129.61 Support Levels: 127.00, 126.50, 126.00 EURJPY Long term Trend: Ranging On Friday, the EURJPY opened higher at 129.31 and moved lower to 127.79 intraday lows losing almost 1%. The pair plunged, as bears emerged and traders focused on levels below 128.00. To investigate the bearish scenario, a decisive fall below 128.00 must be established. The pair may continue to fall into the next session, with bearish traders targeting the 127.00 area as a possible objective. As long as the 128.00 support level holds and the price is sustained above, more gains may be expected. A strong breakout of 128.50, on the other hand, would confirm that the rebound from 127.79 low has come to stay, bringing this low back into focus as a new bottom. EURJPY Short term Trend: Bearish The EURJPY is still trading bearishly from its October high of 133.47 on the 4-hour charts, and the intraday bias is still to the downside. If the resistance at 128.50 holds, a further drop is likely. A decisive rebound past 128.50, on the other hand, will consolidate on the entire rebound from 127.79 low level. The mid-term support turned resistance level of 130.00 will be the next level of contention. A break of revised support around the 128.00, on the other hand, might reverse the rebound and broaden the down leg from 130.00 with a new phase of the drop towards the mid 127.00 in the coming session.   Source: https://learn2.trade
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