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Mysticforex

Joke of The Day!

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A Short History of Medicine:

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2011 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

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An oldie, but good for another laugh!!

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young

couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her

neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this

guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots

of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed

your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably

very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us Be strong, honey. I

love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was

whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and

asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be

strong, honey. I love you, too."

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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi! then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

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Courage!

You have to be "Lucky" to know the meaning of courage...read on!

 

 

 

COURAGE?

 

 

What is the meaning of courage?

 

Is it to fight a Bull in a bullfight without any weapon?

 

 

Is it to undertake a cross-country auto trip in a Chrysler Corporation car?

 

Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?

 

Is it to undergo open-heart surgery knowing that the surgeon has a drinking

problem?

 

Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

 

Is it to perform a root-canal on yourself?

 

Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?

 

B.S...These are nothing!

 

 

 

THIS my friend is COURAGE!!!

 

Last picture I have of my dog "Lucky"

LUCKY.jpg.f924b3f9b79bc7738dde7414b54cc67d.jpg

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The video here is quite remarkable. What starts as a police stop of a white guy for the innocuous offense of riding a bicycle on the sidewalk, followed by an innocent wisecrack by a bypassing black pedestrian - aimed at the bicyclist (who received it in the humor it was intended) - ends up with a dozen policemen arresting the black guy followed by a near riot.

 

On viewing the video, one might be forgiven for feeling some level of outrage at the entire farce - but it is so over the top, I could only laugh. You truly can't make this stuff up. Watch the video here.

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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly

glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

 

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer

magazine.. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat,

knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the

car and gently raps on the driver's window.

 

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

 

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

 

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a

magazine."

 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back

seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

 

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover

sweater."

 

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone,

in a car, at night in a Lover's Lane... and nothing obscene

is happening!

 

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

 

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

 

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

 

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

.

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To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

 

Date: 2011-01-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

 

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

 

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

 

Have a good day!

 

Thoughtfully yours ...

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A scottish labourer gets a bonus in his pay packet on Friday so he goes home and says to his wife :

 

"I got money. What yer wantin' fer your supper ?"

 

The wife says" "Fish and chips"

 

The man the turns to his older son and ask him :

 

"I got money. What yer wantin' fer your supper ?"

 

The lad replies:

 

" I want fecken' fish too"

 

Hearing the answer the man punches the lad, takes of his belt and proceeds to belt the lad till he is black and blue and covered in welts.

 

He then turns to his younger son and asks him:

 

"I got money. What yer wantin' fer your supper ?"

 

The lad replies;

 

"Not fecken' fish, tha's fer sure !"

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And that's how the fight started!

 

 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

 

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

 

When she asked him why, he replied,

 

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

================

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

 

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

 

'No,' she answered.

 

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

 

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

================

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

 

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

 

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

 

And that's when the fight started......

 

================

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

 

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

 

'Nah, she can order for herself..'

 

And that's when the fight started.....

 

================

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

 

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

 

I said, 'Dust.'

 

And then the fight started...

 

=====================

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and

she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at

a nearby table.

 

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

 

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since.'

 

'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 

And then the fight started...

 

================

 

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

 

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

And then the fight started...

 

================

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to

take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, Always something

more important to me..

 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived

home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away

with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

 

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was

gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

 

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the

driveway.'

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

================

 

After I recovered, I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

 

She said she wanted something that goes from zero to 100 in a flash.

 

I bought her a set of scales.

 

The doctors say they will take the full body plaster cast off me in three months but they don't know if I will ever walk again.

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A guy walks into a Bar, goes up to the Bartender and orders a "Ben Laden". The Bartender replies, I'm sorry, that's a new one, I don't know how to make it.

The Man replies: easy, 2 shots followed by a splash of water.

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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

 

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

What do you call male ballerinas?

 

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

 

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

 

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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Mathematics:

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%?

 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%?

 

What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But ,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

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Saw mention of Wile E. Coyote ... and triggered this memory!

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRzcCbjQ_5I]YouTube - Wile E. Coyote finally gets the Road Runner[/ame]

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover ( ) after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

 

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

 

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

 

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

 

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

 

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

 

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

 

 

 

Hot Breakfast $4.20

 

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

 

 

 

 

 

PRICELESS

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