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Mysticforex

Joke of The Day!

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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and always stay on a soft surface like grass."

 

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

 

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

 

"Yes?" said the instructor.

 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries my golf bag while we walk?"

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SENIOR LADIES-speeding

 

 

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer see a car puttering along at 22 kph.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!

What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

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FLU SEASON - Read till the end

 

To avoid it...

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.

If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

 

OR

 

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol..

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

 

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,

flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said,

'A shot in the glass

is better than one in the ass!'

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The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroitwas 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show — Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls

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The teacher asked her Grade 1 class

"OK class, what sounds did you hear on our trip to the farm?"

There were various replies

"Moo"

"Baaaaa"

"Quack, quack"

"Get off that F..king tractor "

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I was short-listed for a great job last week. At the final interview they told me they wanted someone responsible.

 

Well, fortunately for me I was able to relate to them my last job experiences.

 

I told them every time something went wrong in my last job, my boss told me I was responsible.

 

Should get an answer some time his week I think ... or maybe next week .... :confused::confused:

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A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.

‘Yeah right!’ she says.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s’ testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place’s

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Helping The Doctor

 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

 

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

 

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

 

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

 

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

 

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

 

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

 

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

 

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

 

Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

 

"Tunderin' lard Jaysus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"I put drops in her eyes."

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Ireland declares war on France

 

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ye!"

 

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

 

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

 

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

 

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

 

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor," answers Paddy.

 

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

 

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

 

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

 

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

 

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and decided there is no foostering way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

 

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something

extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

 

WAY TOO COOL!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...

 

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

 

Nothing! I was disappointed.

 

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal

surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and

forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot

is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't

be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)

while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try

this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want

some assurance that it would work as advertised.

 

Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,

and Tazer in another.

 

The directions said that:

 

* a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

 

* a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

 

* a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than

3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty

cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side

so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from

such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself

a one second burst just for heck of it.

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with

tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere

to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never

heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,

obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all

over the living room.

 

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will

not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),

I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..

• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

• I had no control over the drooling.

• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

 

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

Edited by Ingot54

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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making

love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset.

 

'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful

wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you ... I want a divorce right away!'

 

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you

what happened.'

 

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and

this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and

defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car ...

 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ...

 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas

I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid

you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while

she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes,

so I threw them away.

 

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have

had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

 

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which

you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't

wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the

expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a

pair the same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for

my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to

me with tears in her eyes and said:

 

'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

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An English salesman drove into a small Scottish town where a circus

was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Angus, The Amazing

Scotsman'.

 

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre

stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was

an old Scotsman.

 

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a

huge willy and smashed all three walnuts to smithereens with three

mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was

carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

 

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a

faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss Angus,

the Amazing Scotsman'.

 

He couldn't believe the old guy was still

alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the

centre ring was illuminated, and there was Angus under the spotlight.

 

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on

the table.

 

Angus stood up and bowed to his audience, then suddenly lifted his

kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing

member. The crowd went wild!

 

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the

show. 'You're incredible!' he told Angus. 'But I have to know

something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

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An English salesman drove into a small Scottish town where a circus

was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Angus, The Amazing

Scotsman'.

 

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre

stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was

an old Scotsman.

 

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a

huge willy and smashed all three walnuts to smithereens with three

mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was

carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

 

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a

faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss Angus,

the Amazing Scotsman'.

 

He couldn't believe the old guy was still

alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the

centre ring was illuminated, and there was Angus under the spotlight.

 

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on

the table.

 

Angus stood up and bowed to his audience, then suddenly lifted his

kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing

member. The crowd went wild!

 

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the

show. 'You're incredible!' he told Angus. 'But I have to know

something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

 

Voted best joke of 2013

bobc

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In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.

All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.

So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.

The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing, then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.

The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer (not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.

When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173. Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed... Finally the computer said....

"So, how's the trading going?"

 

 

This one is funny to me... :rofl:

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MY FIRST CONDOM

 

I recall my first time with a condom.. I was just 17, and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on." she said. "We don’t have much time.."

 

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

 

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her."

That's when she beat the living shit out of me.

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

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MY FIRST CONDOM

 

I recall my first time with a condom.. I was just 17, and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on." she said. "We don’t have much time.."

 

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

 

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her."

That's when she beat the living shit out of me.

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

 

I am very familiar with that frown.

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My most recent job interview:

 

Interviewer: What would you say one of your strengths were?

Me: Honesty.

Interviewer: And what would you say one of your weaknesses were?

Me: Honesty.

 

Interviewer: Really? I don't think honesty is a weakness.

 

Me: I don't give a shit what you think.

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An English salesman drove into a small Scottish town where a circus

was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Angus, The Amazing

Scotsman'.

 

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre

stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was

an old Scotsman.

 

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a

huge willy and smashed all three walnuts to smithereens with three

mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was

carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

 

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a

faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss Angus,

the Amazing Scotsman'.

 

He couldn't believe the old guy was still

alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the

centre ring was illuminated, and there was Angus under the spotlight.

 

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on

the table.

 

Angus stood up and bowed to his audience, then suddenly lifted his

kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing

member. The crowd went wild!

 

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the

show. 'You're incredible!' he told Angus. 'But I have to know

something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

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An English salesman drove into a small Scottish town where a circus

was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Angus, The Amazing

Scotsman'.

 

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre

stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was

an old Scotsman.

 

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a

huge willy and smashed all three walnuts to smithereens with three

mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was

carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

 

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a

faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss Angus,

the Amazing Scotsman'.

 

He couldn't believe the old guy was still

alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the

centre ring was illuminated, and there was Angus under the spotlight.

 

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on

the table.

 

Angus stood up and bowed to his audience, then suddenly lifted his

kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing

member. The crowd went wild!

 

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the

show. 'You're incredible!' he told Angus. 'But I have to know

something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

 

Dera Mystic

Not wishing to discourage your fine effort, I have already nominated this story as best for 2013.....see posts 340 & 341 :doh::doh:

Delete,delete. :crap::crap:

regards

bobc

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A tweet conversation I just came across....not hilarious but amusingly smart.

........................................

 

Richard Dawkins ✔ @RichardDawkins

David Cameron has such good judgment, he appoints a homeopathy enthusiast as Minister of Health Jeremy Hunt, Health Secretary, thinks homeopathy works ? Telegraph Blogs in charge of NHS

 

Reply----

 

Tractor Racer @100mphTractor

@RichardDawkins It's OK, he believes in homeopathy so the less good he is at his job, the better the result.

 

17 Jul

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    • Date: 23rd February 2024. Market Recap – Global Rally Pushing Valuations To Record Highs Across the US, Europe & Japan. Economic Indicators & Central Banks:   It was all about Nvidia. Nvidia got a $277 billion 1-day boost to its market capitalization yesterday – the biggest single-session increase in value ever!(the previous record was a $197 billion gain by Meta Platforms Inc.) Treasuries continued to lose ground, hurt by the surge in risk appetite with yields cheapening to the highest levels since late last year. The solid jobless claims report, which followed on the heels of the hawkish bent in the FOMC minutes, added to expectations the FOMC will leave rates in restrictive territory into June at least. A weaker than expected S&P Global services headline saw rates dip briefly. Japanese markets are closed for a public holiday. Fed Governor Christopher Waller: ”interest rate cuts should be delayed at least two more months, but indications of healthy demand and concerns over supplies could boost prices in the coming days.” Today: Germany IFO business climate & GDP, ECB publishes 1- and 3-Year inflation expectations survey. Market Trends:   Massive global rally in risk that saw the NASDAQ(USA100) jump 2.96% to 16,041.6, falling just short of the historic peak of 16,057 from November 2021. The S&P500 (USA500) climbed 2.1% to 5100, and the Dow (USA30) was up 1.18% to 39,069, both marking new records. Asian stock markets today continued to move higher, with the global rally pushing valuations to record highs across the US, Europe and Japan. The Nikkei jumped a further 2.2%. Financial Markets Performance:   The USDIndex was little changed at 103.80, below 104 for the first time since February 2. The Yen has performed the worst so far this year, experiencing a 6.3% decrease against the Dollar, as investors sought higher yields in other currencies, anticipating that Japan’s interest rates would remain close to zero for the foreseeable future. The Yen weakened against the Euro, Sterling, and other currencies this week, marking its 4th consecutive weekly decline against the US Dollar. USOil slipped to $77.85 per barrel after Fed speeches indicated delay to rate cuts. Gold dipped to $2021 per ounce. Always trade with strict risk management. Your capital is the single most important aspect of your trading business. Please note that times displayed based on local time zone and are from time of writing this report. Click HERE to access the full HFM Economic calendar. Want to learn to trade and analyse the markets? Join our webinars and get analysis and trading ideas combined with better understanding on how markets work. Click HERE to register for FREE! Click HERE to READ more Market news. Andria Pichidi Market Analyst HFMarkets Disclaimer: This material is provided as a general marketing communication for information purposes only and does not constitute an independent investment research. Nothing in this communication contains, or should be considered as containing, an investment advice or an investment recommendation or a solicitation for the purpose of buying or selling of any financial instrument. All information provided is gathered from reputable sources and any information containing an indication of past performance is not a guarantee or reliable indicator of future performance. Users acknowledge that any investment in FX and CFDs products is characterized by a certain degree of uncertainty and that any investment of this nature involves a high level of risk for which the users are solely responsible and liable. We assume no liability for any loss arising from any investment made based on the information provided in this communication. This communication must not be reproduced or further distributed without our prior written permission.
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    • Date: 22nd February 2024. In-Depth Analysis – AUDUSD – Investors Expect Fed to Cut First! AUDUSD – Economists Do Not Expect the RBA to Cut Until 2024’s Third Quarter.   The Aussie Dollar increases 0.67% and sees its strongest gain this week so far. The exchange rate trades at its highest price since February 2nd. The FOMC’s Meeting Minutes indicate the Federal Reserve is not yet willing to cut interest rates. FOMC Members are cautious about cutting rates too fast. Australia’s Wage Price Index for the latest quarter continues to read higher than where the RBA would like to see it. The Reserve Bank of Australia advise the regulator would not consider cutting interest rates until the second half of 2024. The Australian Economy weakens but not enough to pressure the RBA! Inflation remains moderately higher than the US! AUDUSD – Technical Analysis The AUDUSD is witnessing one of the lowest spreads amongst the major currency pairs and is seeing higher levels of volatility. The Australian Dollar has been rising against the USD for seven consecutive days, similar to the NZD and the Euro. However, the AUD is performing better than the GBP, JPY and CHF against the Dollar. However, investors should note that the bullish price movement is largely being driven by the weakness in the Dollar. The US Dollar Index has fallen 0.50% this week and trades at a 3-week low. The Australian Dollar on the other hand is witnessing mainly bullish price movements depending on the currency pair. The Australian Dollar is increasing against the GBP, Euro, Yen, and the CHF but is declining against the NZD. So here we can see there are no major conflicts between the two individual currencies. However, investors will need to continue monitoring the US Dollar Index and price condition of the AUD against other major currencies. The AUDUSD is trading above the 75-Bar Exponential Moving Average and above the “Neutral” level on the RSI as well as the Bollinger Bands. These three factors indicate a further bullish trend as the asset is yet to be read “overbought” on most oscillators. In addition to this, the asset has managed to break above the resistance level and the previous high, meaning the continuation of the traditional wave pattern. The only negative indication when evaluating technical analysis is the measurements of the previous 4 impulse waves. The average bullish wave size is 0.87% and the largest has been 0.92%. The current impulse wave reads 0.87%. Therefore, if the pattern is to continue the price may retrace soon, even if it is going to continue rising thereafter. However, this cannot be known for sure. AUDUSD – Fundamental Analysis In the Meeting Minutes, representatives stated more fear about the remaining risks of a premature decline in rates than about a persistent period of high interest rates. Against this background, markets are reconsidering the timing of a possible easing of the regulator’s position in May and June. According to the CME Groups FedWatch Tool, the likelihood of a May adjustment is currently anticipated at 30-35%. A strong possibility is considered anything above 70%. Next week’s Core PCE Price Index will be key for the Dollar as this will be the last inflation reading for the month and short-term future. If the PCE Price Index is also higher, this means all 5 inflation readings beat expectations. As a result, the Dollar may rise. However, the Dollar’s issue is that the market’s risk profile is high, and many expect the Fed to cut first. Therefore, the Dollar may continue to struggle unless other central banks become more dovish. Even though the Reserve Bank of Australia’s interest rate is lower than the Fed’s, analysts expect the Fed to cut first. Even though GDP Growth in Australia is weakening, the economy is still performing better than Europe and the UK. In addition to this, inflation is still above 4.00%, which is extremely high for the Aussie and the Unemployment Rate has risen to 4.1% which is still manageable according to analysts there. Therefore, most analysts believe the RBA will cut in the third quarter and after the Fed. Therefore, fundamental analysis is slightly in the Aussie’s favor here, but technical analysis will need to continue signalling a rise. Always trade with strict risk management. Your capital is the single most important aspect of your trading business. Please note that times displayed based on local time zone and are from time of writing this report. Click HERE to access the full HFM Economic calendar. Want to learn to trade and analyse the markets? Join our webinars and get analysis and trading ideas combined with better understanding on how markets work. Click HERE to register for FREE! Click HERE to READ more Market news. Michalis Efthymiou Market Analyst HFMarkets Disclaimer: This material is provided as a general marketing communication for information purposes only and does not constitute an independent investment research. Nothing in this communication contains, or should be considered as containing, an investment advice or an investment recommendation or a solicitation for the purpose of buying or selling of any financial instrument. All information provided is gathered from reputable sources and any information containing an indication of past performance is not a guarantee or reliable indicator of future performance. Users acknowledge that any investment in FX and CFDs products is characterized by a certain degree of uncertainty and that any investment of this nature involves a high level of risk for which the users are solely responsible and liable. We assume no liability for any loss arising from any investment made based on the information provided in this communication. This communication must not be reproduced or further distributed without our prior written permission.
    • $GOOG Alphabet stock back to 143.09 triple+ support area with bullish stats, $GOOGL , see https://stockconsultant.com/?GOOG
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