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mister ed

TL Joke Thread

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Well, I did a search and I couldn't find a thread for jokes...so here goes.

 

I got this one from my Dad a few days ago and enjoyed it.

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Subject: WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

 

Dear Phil,:

 

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set

 

off for work leaving my husband in the house

 

watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a

 

few hundred yards down the road when my engine

 

conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked

 

back home to get my husband's help.

 

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He

 

was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed

 

in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was

 

wearing my make up.

 

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been

 

married for twelve years. When I confronted him,

 

he tried to make out that he had dressed in my

 

lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear.

 

But when I asked him about the make up, he broke

 

down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes

 

for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave

 

him.

 

He was let go from his job six months ago and he

 

says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and

 

worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I

 

gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly

 

distant. I don't feel I can get through to him

 

anymore. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely,

 

Mrs. Sheila Lusk

 

 

 

 

Dear Sheila:

 

A car stalling after being driven a short

 

distance can be caused by a variety of faults with

 

the engine. Start by checking that there is no

 

debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the

 

jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the

 

inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves

 

the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself

 

is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the

 

carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

 

 

Phil

Edited by mister ed
sp.

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Here's a dirty one:

 

A blonde decides to do something she's never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

 

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

 

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

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The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 

 

 

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear " the rules "

From the female side.

 

 

 

Now here are the rules from the male side.

 

 

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!

 

 

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball

or golf.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

 

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

 

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

 

Male readers: Please scroll down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

 

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

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A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of

Merlot to an attractive woman.

 

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This

is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

 

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking

at the man, and decided tosend a reply note to the man. The waiter, who

was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to

the gentleman.

 

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need

to have a Mercedes in your garage,a million dollars in the bank, and 7

inches in your pants."

 

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one

of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and

instructed him to return this to the woman.

 

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW

Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius, and Matrix, in my

garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami, and a 10,000 acre

ranch in Texas.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches

off.

Just send the bottle back!!!

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Two cannibals are sitting over a fire roasting a clown they abducted from a travelling circus. One of them leans over rips off a hunk of flesh from the spit and pops it into his mouth. He chews for a few seconds with a confused look on his face, swallows, then rips off another piece of meat and hands it to his mate and asks "Hey does this taste funny to you?"

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<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night

<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while

<%The_Coolest> y?

<+Enyo> why?

<%The_Coolest> :o

<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too

<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

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A sales representative, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

 

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

 

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

 

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

 

Poof! She's gone.

 

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

 

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me."

 

Poof! He's gone.

 

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I

want those two back in the office after lunch."

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Why Men Have Better Friends:

 

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

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