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GlassOnion

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Posts posted by GlassOnion

  2. Posted

    A Short History of Medicine:

    “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

    2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”

    1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

    1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

    1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

    1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

    2011 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

  7. Posted

    As advertised, the Art of War is about far more than war. It is about any sort of struggle or confrontation. Taken literally, I can see how the advice would have helped in ancient warfare; taken metaphorically, you can easily apply the techniques to business, politics, or any other place that contention or conflict exists.

     

    A large part of the writings deal with leadership and the best qualities of a leader: “Leadership is a matter of intelligence, trustworthiness, humaness, courage, and sternness.” Sun Tzu highlights the importance of discipline in leadership, with established rewards and penalties that are consistently applied across the board. Good advice for a general as well as a corporate executive, head coach, or politician.Especially a politician.

     

    One of my favorite parts of the Art of War is when Sun Tzu speaks of knowing yourself and knowing your enemy:

     

    "So it is said that if you know others and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know others but know yourself, you win one and lose one; if you do not know others and do not know yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle".

     

    I’ve found this piece of advice to be vital in a number of different situations. Many people make the mistake of going into competition without understanding their opponents, and worse, sometimes without even knowing themselves. Whenever you’re in a conflict, you must know your own strengths and weaknesses as well as those of your opponent. Sun Tzu’s advice rings true in a great many situations

     

    The Kindle version, which I have, is free at Amazon.

  9. Posted

    A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began

     

    his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder

     

    on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first

     

    ever bass over 11 pounds when his mobile phone rang.

     

    It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a

     

    terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

     

    The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and

     

    that he'd be there as soon as possible.

     

    As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to

     

    be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of

     

    more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the

     

    rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never

     

    seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

     

    He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife.

     

    Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

     

    The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll now be her caregiver!"

     

    The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

     

    The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.

     

    She's dead. What'd you catch?"

  10. Posted

    Did someone say “Navy?” Here’s a little-known fact:

     

    The U. S. S.. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

     

    However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

    Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

     

    Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

    Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

     

    On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

     

    By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

     

    The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water.

     

    GO NAVY!

  13. Posted

    Just think about this.......

     

    The Mustang Ranch and the $750 billion bail-out.

     

    Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in

    Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run

    it.

    They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the

    economy of our country and 850+ Billion Dollars to a pack of

    nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house

    and selling booze.

    Now if that don't make you

    nervous,what will?

  19. Posted

    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

     

    I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

    Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

     

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

     

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

     

    I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

     

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.

     

    Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

    My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

     

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

     

    While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

     

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

     

    I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

     

    I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

     

    In between that I place a couple of trades, all winners of course. 100% of Fact.

  21. Posted

    Bumper Stickers:

     

    WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

     

    BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

     

    So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

     

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

     

    All men are idiots….I married their king.

     

    IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

     

    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

     

    Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

     

    Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

     

    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  22. Posted

    Farting at tiffany's

     

    a lady walks into tiffany's...

     

    She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over

    to inspect it...

     

    As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...

     

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed

    her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere

    near... As she turns around,

     

    her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing

    right behind her...good looking as well...

     

    Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect

    of a professional in a store like tiffany's...

     

    He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, madam..

     

    How may we help you today?

     

    Blushing and uncomfortable,

     

    but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed

     

    her little 'incident'---

     

    she asks,'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??

     

    'he answers, "madam.. If you farted just looking at it-

     

    you're going to shit when i tell you the price..."

  23. Posted

    A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a

    sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the

    reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is

    frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an

    anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and

    satirists.

     

    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I

    stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

     

    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing

    in a garage makes you a car.

     

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

     

    If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)

     

    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

     

    War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

     

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in

    a fruit salad.

     

    Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then

    proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

     

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is

    research.

     

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train

    stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

     

    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can

    train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

     

    I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

     

    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you

    don’t need it.

     

    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an

    emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

     

    I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

     

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion

    stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

     

    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and

    50 for Miss America ?

     

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

     

    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to

    skydive twice.

     

    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

     

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

     

    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way

    that you will look forward to the trip.

     

    Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

     

    I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured

    by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

     

    I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

     

    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a

    shot of tequila.

     

    You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

     

    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you

    hit the target.

     

    Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

     

    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as

    when you are in it.

     

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  25. Posted

    A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

     

    The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

     

    Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

     

    Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down close to the interviewer and says "What would you like it to equal?"

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