[Mysticforex]

I don't know about you, but I like a good joke. Let's face it, we're all wound up in the markets, sometimes a joke takes the edge off... or at least brings a smile to your face.
I'll start the ball rolling.


Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who the best patients to operate on are.

The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[ahimsa]

hello...right..and think that someone says again that the man is a politician being...

bye certenotti

[Cory2679]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[Mysticforex]

Nice one Cory.

[GlassOnion]

In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.
All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.
So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.
The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing, then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.
The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer (not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.
When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173. Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed... Finally the computer said....
"So, how's the trading going?"

[Ingot54]

Young John had just completed high school in the bush, and was off to the city to college. He had a faithful cattle dog, 'Bluey', and insisted on taking the dog with him.

Of course, the attractions of city life were quite new to John, and during his out-of-college time, he spent-up rather big on enjoying it all.

Eventually, the money ran a bit low, and John was a bit short. He decided to ring his father for a little advance.

"Hello ... Dad? You will not believe what is happening here - Bluey is learning to play the piano."

"Go on, son. You're kidding me!"

"No, Dad, honestly - you should hear him. But the dog teacher had to be paid, and I am a bit short"

"No worries, John. The cheque's in the mail."

Well time went by, and John again got a bit short of money, and he decided to ring dad again for some money.

"Hi Dad. Bluey is so advanced that he is now playing the piano and dancing at the same time. He is a big hit down here. But the extra lessons are not cheap."

"Don't worry son, the cheque's in the mail. It's a good thing you got going there with Bluey."

John was happy until the day came for him to go home. He knew he had to face the family with a dog that could neither dance nor play the piano.

The day he got off the train, Dad was waiting there to meet him.

"Where's Bluey?" said Dad, "I was hoping to watch a performance."

"Well Dad, Bluey became so advanced, that he began to talk. We used to have long conversations about the things we've seen and done. One night he told me about you and that little red-haired sheila down at the pub, and he told me what you and her ..."

"Crikey, John," interrupted Dad, "I hope you shot him!"

"Yes, Dad, I did. I sure did. "

[Ingot54]

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Dakota Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

"Now, since this is MY property, I reserve the right to take the first 3 kicks," to which the lawyer readily agreed.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

I love this part .....
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The old farmer smiled and said:

"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[GlassOnion]

Jack's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"