[mister ed]

One of my all-time favourites...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says "Sure, no problems, but...why the long face?"

[Nick1984]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.





































































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

[Nick1984]

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of
Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This
is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking
at the man, and decided tosend a reply note to the man. The waiter, who
was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need
to have a Mercedes in your garage,a million dollars in the bank, and 7
inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one
of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and
instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW
Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius, and Matrix, in my
garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami, and a 10,000 acre
ranch in Texas.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches
off.
Just send the bottle back!!!

[Nick1984]

Two cannibals are sitting over a fire roasting a clown they abducted from a travelling circus. One of them leans over rips off a hunk of flesh from the spit and pops it into his mouth. He chews for a few seconds with a confused look on his face, swallows, then rips off another piece of meat and hands it to his mate and asks "Hey does this taste funny to you?"

[Sparrow]

<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night
<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while
<%The_Coolest> y?
<+Enyo> why?
<%The_Coolest>
<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

[Soultrader]

From CNN's headline today:

[xracer]

A sales representative, an administrative clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

[Eiger]

Cats anyone?