Coulda woulda shoulda

[torero]

Everyone feels helpless in face of no control and letting fear control you. This is especially true in trading. The market does what it does and anyone who think he can control is a fool and the market will prove him wrong eventually. You have to let go of having control in trading and only control what is controllable. Uncontrollable: market direction and where it will go and where it will stop, controllable: where to set stop loss. It sucks if you think about it, you only have a small portion of control but this part is what makes a winner from a loser, a trader who can pull in profits in the long run. I see this everyday with myself, I can't control how the market behave but I can control how much the market is allowed to take away from me. That, my friend, is power and control!

Learning to let go of what is uncontrollable and focus on what is controllable, it's the right mindset to take to a next step to be a better trader.

When you take a whole picture of what is going on in your life, accomplish small goals and tasks will help minimize the BIGNESS of the problem. Focus of these tasks/goals will eventually solve the problem. Trading is the same, stick to the plan and eventually the money will solve itself.

Good luck, James and hope things work out. All rooting for your quick return!

[cooter]

	Quote:	james_gsx
	Right now, I feel as if my credit card debt is out of control. Is it really out of control? Not really, I make more in a month than all my credit card debt added together. In reality I could have it wiped out in less than a year. Yet for some reason, I feel as if it's out of control and that it will lead to financial failure.

This is curious, and reminds me of something I overheard on CNBC earlier this morning.

Something to the effect that back in the day, one's liquidity was how many liquid assets (i.e. CASH) that you had on hand, or could access easily. Now it seems some people - and lenders - think that the new definition of liquidity is the amount of accessible credit you have available on your credit line.

Go figure.

It's no wonder we're in this subprime mess, as the chickens have finally come home to roost. Those interest-free minimum payment jumbo balloon mortgages are finally about to burst, as they convert to regular, amortized payments that the no-doc, no-down undercapitalized borrowers couldn't possibly have qualified for traditionally.

Don't feel embarrassed, because you're already ahead of the pack at your age. Just don't get stuck in the "self-worth = credit-worthiness" mindset, and you'll be fine. Remember CASH not credit is still king, at the end of the day.

[Reaver]

	Quote:	james_gsx
	I found an old blog that I wrote back in February when I still worked at Best Buy. For some reason it really kicked me in the butt to get going and I started working really hard with my trading. Now here I am, in the same position. Everything seems to be slowing down, everything will get down tomorrow, and I never seem to act. I sleep in all the time, get work done late, and I have little motivation. Yet reading the quotes I found in my blog I find myself wondering why I'm not doing anything. I can't be successful without doing anything. I have a ton of respect for those of you who get on every morning and trade, I need to find a way where I can discipline myself to do the same. These is the last part of my blog, tell me what you all think about it.

Hey nice Teddy Roosevelt quote at the bottom. One of my faves from the military days. Very good quote. Good luck.

[PYenner]

James

"Tomorrow I will read this and most likely feel embarassed for putting it all out there, but what can you do?"

You are doing exactly the right thing. It is the reasoning power of your adult mind that is the hero that comes to the rescue of your wounded and bewildered emotional mind. It does not have the reasoning powers to "fix" the problem, it probably expects you to do the old flee or fight survival thing from the source of the pain. Thing is it doesn't even have enough brains to tell you that it wants the reasoning mind to put the pain to rest, you get to figure that out over the years along with all the other messes you have been figuring out how to clear up.

As a 9th grader you didn't have the reasoning toolkit in place, you learned to develop the toolkit piece by piece, thinking about each aspect of the problem, weighing the justifications for it and consequences of it, just common sense reasoning. As you analysed and judged each part of the big bogie, you put it to rest, a little at a time. You provided the rat brained emotions with a fix and they gave you peace, you got on with your life.

But you have never been back and examined the rescue job that your reasoning mind did. As a result your rat brain continues to see its stress reaction as an appropriate way to call for a rescue, it does not have enough brains to realise that its signals are way out of proportion to your current circumstances and cause you more damage than the problem it is complaining about. In particular the justifiable anxiety/fear/apprehension of another stress attack is enough to cause a stress attack.

It will probably have been the divorce that caused you to develop the reasoning mind that you now have, so it has a payoff even if it comes at a hell of a price. It is your best friend, your ability to be honest with yourself about the origins of the pains is exceptional, it is where most people fall down, they perhaps have an aversion for revisiting the area.

It helps to understand that the intensity might have been appropriate to the divorce crisis of a 9th grader's nightmare but is less and less appropriate to adult situations. Progressively get to see the emotions as an unwelcome intruder, not as part of "you", the reasoning mind. Do have discussions between your reasoning mind and the intruding emotion- "you again, what do you want this time, same as last time (ho hum been there, boring and pointless) or something new this time?"
"How about you sit over to one side for the moment and let me get on with the stuff I am wanting to do and I will have a talk to you tonight" "Its not like you have much useful to say, I seem to have to do the thinking for both of us and it seems like you cant even talk, sticking knives in me is a bit primative and excessive, there are better ways to communicate".

The important thing is that you do communicate with it, thats how you take the intensity out of it, examine the pieces, pull the foundations out from under each provocation, just common sense judgements. That how the 9th grader got his life back together, common sense, one piece at a time. That is still how you do it. Slowly identify the pieces, have a common sense look at it, fix it or dismiss it as appropriate. Perception and honesty.

It is probably called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression and anxiety are part of the mix. The stab in the heart, cut your guts out stuff is the signal at its worst. It is just asking you to think for it but it has a hell of a way of communicating, can't even tell you what the percieved threat is, you have to poke about in a swamp to get to the bits and pieces that it might be.

As you practice reasoning out the pieces and becoming familiar with the signals instead of fearing them, it eases the whole cycle, puts things into more comfortable perspectives. Before the signals become intense, seek out time to talk to them, do not shut them out they will intensify. The early warning stage is when you need to start admitting the intruder into the reasoning process and trying to figure out what the dummy is trying to tell you. The intensity gets way out of proportion to anything sane if you shut it out and refuse to do its thinking for it.

"ultimately I had the feeling that I lost control and failed"
This is the 9th graders nightmare and it is important to extract the elements of blame and guilt and defectiveness and apply adult common sense judgement to them in order to see them as false apprehensions, they are might be's, bogies, superstitions, they are not justified.

As far as the divorce goes, you could have no control, it was not in your hands. You only "failed" to do the impossible, it is the unreasonable nature of the expectation that is a "failure", you emotions don't know what is reasonable, you have to reason that out to put them to rest. Let the blame lie where it reasonably belongs, emotions that are incapable of reason and hang people without a fair trial. Conduct the trial, reason it out, pass reasoned judgement, what can you reasonably expect from a 9th grader?
Not even fit to drive a car yet...

Can a 9th grader fix a marriage from the outside, while the two adults on the inside have been trying for years and have been reluctantly forced to admit that the battle was lost years ago and that they now can only accept that it is over. They also lived with stress and trauma from it and separating is necessary to remove the source of the pains. You are not to blame for the split, you cannot reasonably be expected to have a magic fix for the split, it ain't your fault, you are not defective for failing to reason out an answer where none exists but you do need to recognize that no answer exists and that no blame belongs with it.

Its the same process with each of the pieces, in the end you are likely to realize that the stress signal is the only real defect/blame/obstacle and that it is not "you". That stuffed up mess is what nature inflicts on all of us, a seriously dumn and pointlessly painful inarticulate signalling system that likes to point the finger and the knives at you. It needs its nighmares to be reasoned out and put at ease, it wants reassurance, it is less than an infant, it is rat level IQ stuff, it needs help from the person with the brain. It needs your reasoned perspectives, honest judgments because all it has is unreasoned fears, nightmares.

"Yet, I made it all so complex that just before the competition I had a similar feeling and felt out of control, and I failed."

This is the stress reaction that comes with the threat of the intensity of the 9th grade nightmare. It is the threatened intensity that you justifiably fear, rather than the competition, mostly you thrive on competition. It takes time and practice to pull the rug out from under the bogie, instead it it pulling the rug out from under you. Seeing it as a bogie, a superstition from the rat brain, is a start, reasoning out what is justified and what is bogie will give the rat brain peace and reassurance. It is progressive, chip away at it, it can be moderated and any moderation encourages further continuing moderation.

You also say somewhere that the effort wasn't justified, I take a similar view.
The person that won didn't question its worth. One downside of having a critical mind is that you also pass judgements when others don't even ask the question. Your rejection of what you were being taught in school sounds similar, you judged it to be irrelevant. What you don't mention is anger, frustration or boredom reactions to the lessons. It is likely that there was an emotion blocking out the incoming information as fast as it arrived, rejection of garbage. If that is the case, recognize that emotions put up barriers and that the emotion comes from passing a judgement, that stuff is garbage.
I suspect you quit because there was nothing being gained from staying, not because you wanted to, quitting annoys and disturbs you, right?

You probably saw yourself as the odd one out, defective, nobody alse was having a problem. They didn't question the worth of the material, that is the difference. Your analytical mind probably makes you judgemental, impatient, intolerant and grumpy. That is where thinking more than others tends to get you. Sometimes it pays to be shallow but we don't exactly get a choice.

With the intruding emotions that put up barriers to learning, recognize that they come from a judgemental mind. Be less harsh in your judgement in order to set the barrier to one side when you try to learn stuff that you partly believe to be garbage. It makes the learning possible, but still a stuggle, practice helps.

These are best guesses, filter out what doesn't apply to you.
Hope it is some use.

[PYenner]

This is strange.
For 6 months I have been aware of an irrational area in my trading that goes with the biggest losses. It only ever happens on a falling market.
It is a silly as a possum in the headlights, when you trade that way roadkill is what you get. There is a home movie of me age 4 doing this fixated possum thing and it is comical once you get past the wounded pride. Thought it had fixed itself yet trading a falling market somehow brought it out.
Then identified a gambling trait that I had in the early teens and had disposed of, apparently not when the going gets hot.
Damned emotions, whoever invented them should be put up against the wall.
At least gimme an off switch for when there is work to do.

Two irrational bogies located in like half an hour after 6 months of huh???
Seems I no longer think about bogies as often as I should.
When you do get to be senile, a return to the past is what you get.
Hell I hope they don't let me wander down the road at night

[thetradingdoctor]

James,

You thank the postings on this forum, as do I. You have received wonderful guidance from people here. Now, it is time for you to thank yourself for having the courage to open up and share your hopes and fears. You have begun to take a laser look inside of yourself to find your truth and your direction. That is a fantastic beginning of a life-long journey. As long as you stay in your authentic self, and speak the truth to yourself and others, you will find one thing: The truth within you is stronger than all of your fears. Your rat brain is always out to get you---in the markets and in life. It is only by being fully alive and aware in the moment that you become comfortable with uncertainty and the crashing waves of emotion that your rat brain is pouring over you every day.

Stay the course, James, as you are on the right path. There will be many twists and turns on the long and winding road that leads to your heart. That is where the truth is. Be gentle and patient with yourself and move forward with dignity and integrity.

Whosoever wishes to know about the world must learn about it in its particular details.
Knowledge is not intelligence.
In searching for the truth be ready for the unexpected.
Change alone is unchanging.
The same road goes both up and down.
The beginning of a circle is also its end.
Not I, but the world says it: all is one.
And yet everything comes in season…Herakllietos of Ephesos

Thanks!

Doctor Janice

[james_gsx]

	Quote:	PYenner
	James You also say somewhere that the effort wasn't justified, I take a similar view. The person that won didn't question its worth. One downside of having a critical mind is that you also pass judgements when others don't even ask the question. Your rejection of what you were being taught in school sounds similar, you judged it to be irrelevant. What you don't mention is anger, frustration or boredom reactions to the lessons. It is likely that there was an emotion blocking out the incoming information as fast as it arrived, rejection of garbage. If that is the case, recognize that emotions put up barriers and that the emotion comes from passing a judgement, that stuff is garbage. I suspect you quit because there was nothing being gained from staying, not because you wanted to, quitting annoys and disturbs you, right? You probably saw yourself as the odd one out, defective, nobody alse was having a problem. They didn't question the worth of the material, that is the difference. Your analytical mind probably makes you judgemental, impatient, intolerant and grumpy. That is where thinking more than others tends to get you. Sometimes it pays to be shallow but we don't exactly get a choice.

Thanks for the post, it really did help. But I really like this last part of your post and it sounds like most of my high school years. I didn't listen in highschool simply because I didn't care and I knew that high school wouldn't teach me a damn thing about anything I wanted to do in life. And yes, quitting annoys and disturbs me, and I left because as I saw it - it was a waste of time for me.

I have looked more into myself and noticed that I have a fear of both success and failure. I see the life I want just on the horizon and so close to grasp yet I won't make the move, I won't take the chance to do something about it. I see this in my trading sometimes as well, mostly with equities and not so much with futures (at least not yet). I see an opportunity and I sit on it, and I don't act.

Right now my life is in sort of a rat race that I don't like. I can live with it, it's not a shitty life but it's not what I could be making myself out to be. I used to always tell myself go take the risk, who cares if you fail might as well happen while you're young right? But for some reason, I can't even seem to take any steps anywhere. It's like I'm afraid of change, yet beg for change at the same time. I would suspect my rat brain has a lot to do with it, theres something in me that doesn't want to move forward, but my concious mind wants to sprint towards the goal. I almost want to say there is something deep down that I am yet to find and clear up, and once I do I will be on my way. But I have no idea what that could be...

For some reason I am afraid to go after success, not sure why. Maybe it has to do with my parents, they were never truly as successful as they could have been and it's possible I could have programmed it into my brain that I can't be successful either because they weren't. Or maybe it's because people have had such high expectations of me my whole life that I'm afraid to really go after it, kinda like some sort of paralysis.

I have a lot to think about. I am extremely motivated, but I'm too scared to take the first step. Maybe I just have to force myself to take the steps, and eventually my natural motivation will kick in and I'll get things done?

I leave for home tomorrow, I don't want to go. I know I'm returning back to my normal life and frankly I don't feel like I'm ready, like I need more time to think. But I'm grateful for how much I've learned about myself in this short week.

[james_gsx]

It's funny, I'm so motivated yet so scared to take the chance and go after it. I'm exactly what I tell people not to do, and I give out advice that I can't seem to take.

If I take a chance, I may lose absolutely everything but my family and close friends. But at the end of the day, who really cares? Who cares what some credit report says, no one can take away from me that I went after it. I had a customer at Best Buy once tell me he was no longer eligible to be employed by any company because of his issues with the IRS. But he could start his own companies, and he kept trying for years and things are finally starting to work out for him. He's got a family, and is disgustingly in debt and his credit is shattered... yet he's still chasing his dream. I could learn a lot from that guy.

It's easy to talk the talk, not so easy to walk the walk.

[PYenner]

It's easy to talk the talk, not so easy to walk the walk.

This is a taunt, ignore it.
It encourages you to act impulsively when your actions should be guided by informed reason. The bigger the step the greater the need for due diligence.
Business moves do involve elements of risk and the unknown.
Boring due diligence is the tool that a businessman relies on to minimize the risk and optimize the certainty. Feel good or who cares impulses are superstition, they get what they deserve, random luck outcomes.

When you quit school and when you did the state and national you showed yourself to be not risk averse. Risk averse is about going with the flow, another sheep moving with the flock. Most people spend their whole lives relying on the risk avoidance message and they have the lives of sheep.
It does not look like your path but impulsive gambles and unreasoned exposure must also not be your path.

Your Best Buy customer is in a bind, his persistence is admirable but he may have started using his head a bit late. The idea is not to get in a bind to start with.

I'm not sure that there is ever a good time to lose and especially not to bet the bank and lose big. It is most important that your losses are never seriously damaging, it can set you back decades and that is to be seriously avoided. You only get one life, giving away any chunk of it is not good news, young or old.

You may feel you are standing at the edge of a pool hesitant to dive in knowing there will be a cold shock. You can't stand there forever so the only option is to just do it right? Wrong. There are lots of ways of getting wet progressively and head first immersion looks more like a crazy gamble than any other option does. Look for alternative entry modes and alternative exits, same as trading, same goes for the % equity you expose to risk.

Business is a lot like trading, slow and steady progress is the backbone of it.
The risks that businesses take need to be familiar risks, you need experiance at what you do and build up. Jumping in big without experiance is asking for a hard lesson in thinking first, boring due diligence, and being brave (or just reckless?) last.

It will always pay to use your head first. At first you lack the informed judgement to ask the right questions. A business mentor can help, tell you the path they took and what they now think of that path.

I have taken uninformed risks and paid the price for it, I have also followed paths that other small businessmen have followed (more like a sheep but neither a total sheep nor a total gambler) and that did work, not spectacular but pleasing, reassuring.

If you can find a way of wading in from the shallow end that would now be my recommendation. Gain the experiance progressively with light risk exposure. Increase the exposure only as experiance and equity allows.

I don't know what big move you have in mind.
If it was quitting the job and trading full time, I might say build up the trading equity progressively first and only quit the job once the trading income says it is justified. Cover your bets. Prudence. Keep options open.

Avoid the either/or option that has total bust as the only other outcome.
Use your head to protect yourself from what amounts to a suicide effort, do or die. Do and do again a little bigger is what you are after. The killer outcome is not businesslike, it is foolish, desperation, end of the line stuff.

Microsoft was initially a nothing special company, it snowballed after Gates spotted an opportunity he had been waiting for. He did not jump in cold, he grew from a nothing special base.

I have a feeling you see an ordinary level of success as more like failure.
Ordinary is still the place to start and build your base from which bigger things might come.

[PYenner]

"I see an opportunity and I sit on it, and I don't act."

A Homer Simpson moment.
The nearest thing to intelligent life in the universe, reponsible for four meltdowns.

It seems like the rat brain doing its thing, asks a question without saying what the question is. Effectively derails the intellect, duh.
Normal ambivolence but stress or fatique brings it out more.
It would be funny if it wasn't serious.

We claim to be intelligent, reasonable but it is more of a hope than a reality.
The rat brain takes away reasoning and that is supposed to be a bonus in the survival stakes?

The human brain seems to have been designed by something even less intelligent than a human, more like a lottery in progress. Primordial mud is still mixed in there.

I want to be a fighter pilot, fly at 3 times the speed of sound.
Lets see, reaction time 1 second, distance traveled 1,000 miles an hour.
Prone to inattention, day dreams, fantasy, itch scratching, shopping list.
Yup sounds just dandy to me.

They tested the first critical nuclear reaction under a stadium in a city.
Confident it would not go supercritical before they could shut it down manually (???).
Supreme confidence in a bucket of primordial mud and reaction times a zillion times slower than fission.
In total denial about Homer Simpson moments, made of the right stuff we are.
Duh.
Nobody has a Ferrari engine upstairs, we all got clunkers from the scrapyard.

Bill Gates said no OS needs to be bigger than 360k.
Vista runs 1GB of resident software in the system idle state.
Humans should never bet the bank because the best of us still get it wrong.