[james_gsx]

lol I am dependent on caffeine, it's gotten better but if I don't drink any for a few days I can feel the taste of Pepsi out of a cold can in my mouth and I crave one. I used to have mood swings (I would get really hyper when I needed a Pepsi). Soda doesn't keep me awake anymore, I just crave the flavor from the can (for some reason it's just the can and not any other form).

As far as my living situation - I live at home with my mom and her good friend who is more like a step dad. I work 9 - 10 hours a day at Nordstrom 5 days a week. Usually from 11-8 or 12-9 or 10. From there I go home and my second wave of energy hits and I stay awake all night. I go to bed anywhere from 2-3 am then wake up (or try) at 7 or 8 am. I've been doing this for years when I was in high school, when I sleep more than 6 hours I wake up with a bad headache and I feel like crap all day.

Once I get home from work - usually around 10 - I immediately hop on the computer and look at my charts. I do all that work and check the internals, etc. I send out a few emails to friends in the market and we discuss different strategies and things like that. I probably stop all my trading work around 12 am after I get home from work. After that I just sit around and watch tv and talk to friend then go to bed just to do it all again the next day.

There is a big reason behind why I work so much though. My mom used to be a major workaholic (still is though). She worked for PwC as a consultant and spent all her time traveling and I saw her maybe twice a week if I was lucky. I loved the money she made and the lifestyle. When my parents got divorced everything fell apart and now my mom makes half of what she used to make and lost her motivation. She still works an easy 12 hours a day but is plagued with debt. I made a vow to myself to never be in the same situation. I loved the lifestyle we had and I had a sneak peak to how much better it was for the really wealthy and successful people (I met a lot of her bosses who were making 2+ million a year). After that I loved the taste of success and was always looking for ways to be successful.

I can honestly say it's not about the money, it's about the feeling of being successful. When I was in 11th grade I got 1st place at state for a business plan I wrote and that was my first real taste of success. We flew to California for nationals and I had an idiot judge and I got up and walked away during the role play. Since then I have lost that motivation - it comes in waves but it has never been what it was.

I have come to realize I live two realities, a normal 19 year old that makes good money at Nordstrom and a young trader that has the potential to do great things and I think I'm really wealthy. Unfortunately I try to mix the two and I put myself in a lot of debt to get a taste of the lifestyle I want but I can't afford it and half the time I don't want to admit it. That keeps up at night sometimes and that puts a lot of pressure on my trading, because I get frustrated that I'm not there yet. But when I start trading, I forget about everything it's just me and the markets. It's like when I used to play soccer, I forget about everything and focus on the game everything else is a blur.

I understand I'm young and I've had a lot of people tell me to take a break. But you know just as well as I do how hard it is to take a break from this industry. It is truly addicting, and I feel if I take a break then that is more time I am doing nothing and the higher chance that I will continue to do nothing. Whereas if I'm working and finding ways to improve then I will always be successful and working hard.